greg and i got in our first real fight.

it was friday night. i was babysitting my kid sisters, and greg was hanging out with dan and brianna, watching his "network television debut" in which he crossed the screen 3 times in the background pushing a cart of luggage. matt schermerhorn's parents are out of town, so naturally he's having a party. although it sounds sure to be lame, we go. greg and dan pick me up once my parents get home, which is like 1:30 in the morning. brianna decided to pass on the party, considering her and matt had a history and matt is now dating a slightly overprotective (okay, very overprotective) girl named abbie. dan was already pretty tipsy when he got to my house, and of course took my offer to have a shot of crown. greg was driving, and not drinking. i'd been bored while waiting, so i started drinking before they got there. my mother didn't notice, of course, and i slipped out with the two of them after entertaining her for awhile. she's not a big drinker, but she was in the city for her best friend's 50th, and was very relaxed when she walked in the kitchen. anyway, the three of us get to the car, and gregory opens his trunk and hands me a beer, hands dan a beer and shows me the 88 other beers he had in cases. i didn't really understand why there was so much alcohol, especially when greg wasn't even drinking. but i didn't question it, took my beer and got in the backseat. 

after a 10 minute drive, we arrive at matt's house. it's big. and really nice. we walk in to see abbie playing dance dance revolution, and matt along with 3 other people i'd never seen were sitting in the living room. there was a girl and her boyfriend, who were stereotypical new jersey nast, and this other relatively normal looking dude named steve. the girl and her boyfriend made an exit after about 15 minutes of me being there, so they're really irrelevant. i'd already had about 3 shots of crown and two beers at this point, and i'm not exactly the epitome of heavy drinking, so i was feeling pretty fantastic. and also feeling like i really needed a cigarette. greg is beginning to get antisocial, sitting on the couch watching something on television. i slide up to him and tell him i think i'm going to go have a cigarette, and he gives me this absolutely disgusted face. "okay," he says "but i'm not going to kiss you anymore." ugh. although there have a been a few times where he has actually unknowingly kissed me post cigarette, i don't argue. i was drunk, i'd been doing a pretty good job of not smoking usually so i thought giving into my vice tonight was okay. which, i did.

from that point on, greg's entire attitude was terrible. he ignored me most of the night, despite my obvious attempts to include him in conversation, blatantly hit on him, GRIND in his lap during some terrible rap song and throw flirty insults at him. nothing was working, i was getting tired of trying...so i let him just sit in the living room. there was one point in the night where i was sitting in the living room with him. i'm trying to hold a conversation about what's on tv, and he is playing with the dog. ignoring me, of course. and it was so bad, i was getting seriously jealous of the dog. it's sick, really. that dog got 500 times the attention i did that night, and for me to be the "most important person in greg's life"...i don't know, it wasn't cool. 

so the cycle continues throughout the night. obviously greg's pissed because i'm getting fucked up, so i keep drinking and keep having cigarettes, and then matt says he's got a gram upstairs, and i never turn down free bud, so he goes to get it. actually, dan goes to get it. he'd been whispering "where's the weeeed?" to me all night, and i think he was the most excited about it. i invite greg outside with us, he of course declines, and i get about two hits out of this homemade foil pipe. i don't really get high. i'd already been drinking, so it just increased my good feeling a little bit.

afterward, i go downstairs and play some pool with that steve guy. greg comes downstairs, and is acting like an asshole. like taking a soccer ball and a bat and hitting it croquet style as hard as he possibly can. he's like a 5 year old on a destruction mission. i was mortified really. i hear abbie yell at him from down the stairs, asking him if he's slow and why he's making so much fucking noise at 4:30 in the morning. it was time to go. really. i tell him this, and we go upstairs. he's being so fucking loud too, and everyone (except dan, who is too drunk to care about anything at this point) is getting super pissed. steve and matt are yelling at him, and greg's just blowing it off and doing more things to make more people pissed. the whole situation was so ridiculous, my buzz was gone, i just wanted to go and remove the problem (gregory) and myself from the angry people. of course greg has to stall leaving by flat out ignoring me when i say "i'm tired" or "i really want to go now" or whatever else i can think of. and it's not until dan suggests that we go that we actually do. the car ride home wasn't any better. actually, since there were only three of us, it was almost worse. greg was talking to dan like i didn't even exist, and after once or twice of trying to be involved in conversation and getting nowhere i just decided to shut up. even dan in his drunken stupor was starting to pick up on the tension, and would say things like "right, jill?" to try and involve me. i'd give a one word answer, and greg turned the spotlight right back on him.

after what seemed like an hour, we pull in my driveway. it's 5:30. i can't find my keys, and all of a sudden greg is concerned (imagine that!) and wants to help me. i just tell him flatly no, i'd find them tomorrow. i got out of the car, said goodnight to dan and went inside. i was pissed. pissed, sober and very ready to be single. it was absolutely ridiculous. the entire night. greg's immaturity is something i can normally deal with, but this just skyrocketed over anything else i'd experienced from him. i go inside, not really giving a shit if i'm being loud, close my door, open a facebook message to gregory chornomaz and begin furiously typing. typing about how i thought he was a complete dick, and that i'd seen a side of him that night that i didn't want to see ever EVER again, and that he'd have alot of groveling at my feet to do if he wanted me to even consider staying with him. i get a paragraph in and i hear voices outside. actually one very loud voice, which was greg's. i look out my window and he's still sitting in my driveway. what the fuck. seriously. i call him, ask him what he is doing and he states he is going back to matt's to find my keys. now, this is probably the worst possible thing he can do at this point. it's late. matt and abbie are really pissed at him. i'm really pissed at him. and i'm tired. and dan's drunk and tired. and we all just need to go to bed and get this night over with.

the conversation on the phone went something like this:

let me make it up to you, i'm going to get your keys.
no, it's late, i do not want you to get my keys.
please, babe.
no.
well why are you mad at me?
greg, i'm not talking about this right now.
no why are you mad at me?
we'll talk about it tomorrow.
babe! please!
greg, we will talk about it tomorrow.
well just let me go get your keys.
greg, the thing that would make me the happiest right now is if you would leave my driveway, go to bed, get six and we'll get my keys in the morning.
but--
please, just let me go to sleep. i'm tired.
okay okay, i'm sorry.
goodnight gregory.

on saturday, i wake up around 1130. he'd sent me a text during the night saying he wanted me to forgive him and that he loved me very much. i didn't really know what i thought, and his text to me an hour later asking what i was doing i decided to respond to. he comes over. there's tension. we get in the car and decide to go to new hope. we're in the car and he makes a statement about how he thinks matt and abbie are mad at him. i agreed, they were pretty pissed. he kinda laughed it off.

i didn't think it was funny.

so i said, "well greg you were acting like an asshole." and then told him everything i thought about the night. about how he ignored me, and how he was acting like a child and out of everyone he was the least drunk and the most out of control, and i never ever wanted to be around him when i was going to drink or smoke because frankly, i tend to not like to hang out with buzzkills. he got sort of quiet, and then a little defensive, saying that's how he reacts to situations like that. i told him he has complete control over how he reacts in those sort of situations, and if not then i was going to take control by keeping my partying and my greg time two separate events. i don't really know what he was saying in response. it wasn't much, and it was just him making excuses for the way he acted so i tuned it out. honestly, i'd already felt alot better after reaming into him why i was so pissed. he still was weird, of course, and the entire time we were in new hope he was distant, i was bored and annoyed and just wanted to leave.

we were on our way back to the car and he asks if i want ice cream. no, i do not want ice cream, it's 40 degrees outside. he then offers me starbucks, which i can never refuse. we go inside, and of course it's packed, but we find a table for two. he gets nothing, i get a nonfat no whip double peppermint white chocolate mocha. he's thinking pretty loudly, so i encourage him to open up. i expect him to start talking about the previous night, but he goes in a completely different direction.

"can i ask you a question?" he says. i nod. "when that guy at work asked if you were gay, why did you say kinda? and why do you still have interested in women and men on your facebook?" uh..i just stared at him for a minute. he took that as the chance to explain more. "i'm confused. i mean, you're with me now right? so why do you have that?" i explained to him that just because i was in a relationship with a boy doesn't mean that i'm no longer bisexual. it didn't seem to register with him. "but what are you going to say in 10 years? 20 years?" now i was confused. i mean, what sort of questions where these? i didn't understand his confusion, but i could just read how insecure he was about the whole issue. like he wasn't enough for me. he said it wasn't that he felt threatened or thought that i would leave him, he just didn't understand. i'd been romantically involved and interested with women, and just because he's my boyfriend now doesn't mean that i can just disregard it. and just because i'm no longer available to women (or men) doesn't mean i couldn't be again if gregory and i didn't work out. then he switched the subject to last night, and how he was scared when i'd mentioned i wanted to go into the peace corps (which honestly i was surprised he'd even remembered), it's something i'd always wanted to do and the time was coming where it'd be a good choice. i don't really remember what i'd started to say, but my intentions of it were to reassure him that if we were meant to be that it'd all work out in the end, regardless of what was going to happen, and then he leaned over the table, grabbed my face and kissed me. put his fingers in my hair and put all his emotions and passions into his lips, in starbucks, in front of everyone. after it'd registered to me what had happened, i kissed him back, and we sort of became a puddle of emotions, where our icy tension had melted. i heard the people behind the counter laughing at us, so i pulled away, and reminded him we were in a public place. he didn't care, obviously, but i was a little apprehensive about it. plus, i had espresso breath.

and that was it. it was over. he apologized soundly for the way he had acted the night before, and that he never wanted it to happen again. he also said that those times he pulled away were the times he needed me the most, and that he really wanted me to keep bugging him and breaking through his front. i told him i understood, but he'd have to open up to me when i asked him to. we took ourselves outside, and everything felt right again. and you know, his immaturity is really annoying, but no one is perfect. and when i take into consideration all of the wonderful things he brings into my life, it's okay. we're going to fight again, and we'll make up again. it's a normal couple thing. and he might never grow up completely, but i might as well help him as much as i can.

because...i really love him. and it's just right.

(november 4th, closer to november 5th)

today.

it finally happened today. 

i love love him.

(november 3rd, sometime in the afternoon)
the drama has passed. the greg jean jill drama. she finally moved on and found someone else. it's so nice to not have to think about it...and i really hated getting upset at greg when she'd be a bitch. which she was very good at. but greg kept reassuring me it'd just be a matter of time before she moved on. and he was right.

my dog bit me today. again. my finger is nice and bruised. i really hate that dog sometimes. really. but more than hate i pity him and don't understand him. how can he be so downright mean? and destructive? i understand the destructiveness...i mean, he IS a laboradore puppy. they love to chew things and get mischievous. but he refuses to listen, be scolded or corrected. he gets defensive and mean and he fucking bites. i mean like take a big chunk out of you bites. what the hell?! i'm giving up. really. i don't think there is anything that can be done for him at this point. whatever whatever whatever. i'm over it. my mom can deal with him.

i went on a quadruple date last night. me and greg, emily and joe, mike and carol and greg's parents all went to see his cousin in a play. it was cute, and his cousin is quite a character. which i'm finding is quite like all the other chornomazes. it was fun to see greg emily and mike (the siblings) and their significant others and the parents all together. i've never been in a setting like that...my siblings are all too young and the siblings of my ex's have been too. that or for some other estranged reason it hasn't happened. anyway, it was nice. joe and emily are great, really. they just have good chemistry. i keep bugging greg to hang out with them more often. i think it's maybe working. mike seems a little more...i don't know, aloof seems like a negative word and i'm not trying to be negative. maybe...solitary? he kinda does his own thing. i guess.

i don't know i'm still feeling the family out as a whole. but they seem relatively normal...and by normal i mean really weird. and stable. their parents are still together, and they all live in the same house. there isn't really any serious family drama (that's leaked to me, anyway) which is refreshing. i mean, sean's parents were totally fucked up--alone and together. bj's grandmother lived with them and they were all steps and halves and whatevers. everyone else...well parents weren't really an issue. and my parents are split and estranged and i haven't seen my dad...actually i don't remember. may. or june? sometime in the beginning of the summer i think. i saw them for a few hours. it's nice to see my kid sister and brothers and of course my dad. my stepmom is a passive aggressive nazi baptist bitch. so, um, it was fine seeing her.

i have so many birthdays coming up. and then christmas. wtf. and i keep spending money on clothes. do i need clothes? the answer is...no. do i like clothes? obviously.

maybe i'll stop eating and then have an actually reason to buy clothes. just kidding.

kinda.

greg is talking to his dad about his fedex interview on monday. i bought him a new tie for it. it's striped and pastel...

he's talking about the history of the US dollar sign. is that relevant? no. not at all. 

um, yeah he's going to try and get a job with fedex. his dad works for them. he really doesn't want to do it. really. but of course, he doesn't know what he does want to do, so it's easier for him to do what someone else tells him to do. and i understand he's getting old...too old to not have a real job. i just wish he knew what it was he wanted to do. i don't know what i want to do either...but i've decided to be an elementary school teacher...maybe an art teacher but probably kindergarten or first grade. teaching is always in demand. you always have a guaranteed job and it's good if you plan on having a family. which, i do. but i'm honestly not ready to finish school for it. or start it. i have too many things i want to do. like...travel across the country with a suitcase of psychoactives and my three best friends. work at a ski resort for a winter. go to burning man. perfect glass blowing, follow a jam band and sell jewelry and bowls. i'm just not done being young and irresponsible. and my boyfriend is unwillingly being forced out of it.

some people are over the nights hugging the toilet, wandering around watching trees burst into flames and dancing until 3 am. but i'm not.

i need some fucking perspective. i mean, i have some but obviously not the kind i really need.

maybe i can find it on clearance.

It's been years since I was on xanga. It was what I spent my time on before myspace and facebook, and I guess I was caught up in the whole blogging scene.

But, it feels appropriate to do it again.

I'm in New Jersey now. I've been here for three months, give or take a week. It's not so bad. I mean, it could be better...alot better...but i thought it was going to be much worse than it turned out to be.  The beginning was hard. I mean, I came to this tiny little town in the middle of farm nirvana knowing absolutely no one. I'm not in school, so it wasn't like I'd get to know my classmates. Plus, this place isn't exactly "happening", so just going to bars or clubs wasn't exactly an option either. It's such a culture shock coming to a place like this after being so used to a college town atmosphere. This place sleeps by 10...even the bars--which consist of TGI Friday's and Chili's--close by 12ish. So, I basically have relied on ShopRite of Flemington to find a social life. It's somewhat happened. I seem to have caught the attention of a quirky, adorable boy, who has helped take up some of my time for the past few weeks. I've made a few friends too. This summer also was made much easier for me with my social outlet in the city...and by 'the city' I mean New York City. I've found that most of my age group goes to either NYC or Philly to have fun, or some place called Hoboken, where I hear the best bars are located. Or New Brunswick, where Rutgers is. I've pretty much made up my mind to go back to NC once January comes, but I'm starting to think it's just going to be for a semester. I was talking to Aviana tonight, who was completely trashed as usual, and she said, "Are you really coming back? To what?" She has a point. My friends are all there, which is why I'm so bent on going back, but friends do change. Honestly, what do I miss? Getting fucked up with my friends. Doing anything with my friends. Having a social life that gives me no time for anything else. That's what I miss...but I think that's something I should be over. Moving on. Growing up. I'm in such fucking denial about it all--still. Even though for the past ten weeks that's all I've been doing--working full time, schooling part time, not getting drunk, not smoking, being a 'responsible youth on her journey to adulthood'.

Ew. I make myself sick. Who says that? Who really wants that? I've been so bored with myself lately. For the first time ever, I can seriously say I have no life. Is that what adulthood is really all about? Getting a degree, getting a job to make money and then...die? I just don't think I want to do that. I'm too much of a gypsy for that. I rarely hear a 'successful adult' say how much he or she loves their job. I hear about the same amount of people say they like their job, while I hear tons of people lamenting about it. I think I would like to just live in a little house in the tropics and paint all day. I could sell my paintings, live off of bananas that grow in my yard and walk to the well every day. Although I would miss the internet. And my car. And my cell phone. Hmmph. It's at this point in my thinking where I'm usually like, fuck this, and stop. Because--well, it's a conflict I think everyone deals with. Not everyone, obviously, but I don't like to feel alone so I'm going to generalize. The want to be completely happy without being materialistic but the realization that we live in a material world. (For more information, please listen to Madonna's "Material Girl") Why does it have to all be about working to be successful? Why is success equated with money and stability? My goal in life is not to be successful. It is to be happy. To be ultimately satisified with how I am in every moment, and hoping that by doing so I can create happiness for others. Seriously, I'm so over today's popular culture and norms of society. One of the first conversations I had with that quirky boy was about society's unwritten rules. We were at a Chinese restaurant downtown, just the two of us. We were alone in the restaurant, other than the owner, register girl and two cooks, who sat down at the table across from us. They were eating family style, some big plate of noodles, just chatting away in Mandarin and stabbing the bowl with their chopsticks. I was observing them, and jokingly made a comment about how he and I should go over and sit with them, since we were the only other two there. He then got that mischevious look on his face, and semi-seriously said, "I will if you will." I hate being put in those situations, because I hate being the less spontaneous one, but I told him that we just couldn't. "Why not?", he asked. And, he was absolutely right. Why not? What was stopping me (and him) from going over there, introducing ourselves and involving ourselves in the conversation? Nothing other than what society has deemed as appropriate, and this sense of uncertainty something like that would cause.

Well, that and the fact that we don't speak Mandarin.